Self-Soothing in the Modern World

The three-year-old me utilized a blanket for comfort

When I was three years old, I awoke with a start to find my security blanket of warm fuzzy, slightly discolored gray cotton, with the dark silk ribbon edge to stroke against my cheek, attacked and overtaken by a lot of red yarn, which utterly confused my sweet little self.

It scared me to find that my source of comfort and joy was tampered with. My self-soothing strategy had been compromised. Perhaps I needed to find a new one to feel safe. As I gathered myself, many important unanswered questions plagued me.

Was this red and gray monstrosity my blanket?

Who had done this, and why was it in my bed?

The red thread startled me, especially since I had not been included in the decision to make the unrequested cosmetic changes that had miraculously appeared. Little Michelle decided this was the misguided work of either angels or elves who wanted to play with me and get my attention.

I found that thought slightly comforting and possibly true until my dad and sister proudly arrived to announce they had mended the old blanket with red thread and felt gravely disappointed I did not appreciate their perceived upgrade.

Once they saw the red thread on the floor, they left my room in exasperation. By changing something precious to me without my prior consent, I protected my self-soothing tool and automatically constructed strong boundaries around it.

The four-year-old me utilized sucking my thumb for comfort

Fast forward to when I was four and traveling with my gramma and family when that same blanket was conveniently left behind at a motel in a well-intentioned plot by my mom and gramma to wean me of that RATTY OLD shield. But I had a replacement already in tow that could not be left behind at the motel, the thumb on my right hand. So, I began comforting myself by sucking my thumb. Thank goodness for that thumb, for it calmed me down in a highly trauma laden household. This did the trick until I began school.

From then until now, I have been experimenting with and learning healthy and not-so-healthy ways of managing anxiety, sadness, anger, and a deep sense of alienation that can arise while living life.

What is Self-Soothing?

Self-soothing is a coping strategy that involves engaging in activities or behaviors to bring about a sense of comfort and calm when feeling upset, stressed, or otherwise emotionally dysregulated. It’s a way to self-regulate and restore a sense of balance. Research suggests that self-soothing supports both adults and infants by helping to lower physiological stress markers like cortisol, slow the heart rate, and shift the nervous system from fight-or-flight into a calm, parasympathetic state of relief.

Why do we learn to self-soothe?

Perhaps you had a cuddly teddy bear, doll, or stuffed animal that comforted you. Perhaps today, as an adult, it is sitting in the park breathing the air or taking a warm and unhurried bath. Self-soothing is an essential life skill that, once learned in infancy, serves us the rest of our lives. It is the ability to calm ourselves and emotionally regulate independently when stressed out, and it provides a sense of relief and control. Self-soothing tunes up our emotional and physical bodies.

It begins early in life with attunement, the state of being in harmony, alignment, or deep emotional resonance with another person or your environment. In the early months of life, a caring parent’s attunement helps a newborn feel safe enough to rest and sleep. Over time, babies develop the ability and the neural net to begin soothing themselves.

As we grow, self-soothing empowers us to manage our emotions and feel comfortable enough to fall asleep and stay asleep. It also helps us develop independence and emotional regulation during waking hours.

Self-soothing is a basic life skill and one that can determine the quality of our adult life. This life skill prevents the accumulation of chronic stress, which, if unchecked over time, damages our body, mind, heart, and soul.

The adult in me utilizes...

Adult self-soothing can range from breathing deeply to forest bathing or self-medicating. I smoked cigarettes until I was 28 to manage the stress. That ended when I had pneumonia and found that option no longer appealing. Again, I was forced to choose a new way to calm myself down from the wide spectrum of options available to adults. Some are healthy and others are damaging. The trick is to know ourselves well enough to proactively and intentionally engage in the healthy actions that bring the comfort and calm.

And the modern world gives us plenty to soothe! Our phones never stop buzzing, deadlines stack up, the news cycle spins, and many of us carry the stress of others along with our own.

Whether you are an Emerging Leader finding your footing in a new career, an Educator holding space for a classroom full of restless young minds, or a Lifelong Learner stepping into a new season of life, knowing how to calm yourself is not a luxury. It is a leadership skill. And when we practice it, we model it for everyone watching us, especially the young people in our lives.

• Ask yourself, how do I soothe and calm myself during stressful times today?
• Do I employ smoking, yoga, video games, dancing, endless scrolling, alcohol, or incessant activity to soothe today?
• What are your preferred techniques?

Intentionally create your own self-soothing toolkit.

Creating an individualized self-soothing toolkit is an essential first step in generating a quality of life that uplifts and nourishes you.

Self-soothing is a natural human tendency to manage emotions and reduce distress, and your toolkit can include various activities, from listening to music to aromatherapy. Practicing self-soothing techniques builds resilience and improves overall coping abilities. Self-soothing helps restore a sense of equilibrium after experiencing stressful or traumatic events. It allows you to weather the bumps in life, regain your balance, and create a life that honors and delights you, even when things go awry.

How do I start to create my own self-soothing, cognitive replenishment toolkit?

In chapter seven of my book Kindling the Flame: The Art and Science of Cognitive Replenishment, I provide 18 simple, low-impact self-soothers to try, ranging from music to laughter. This list is meant to stimulate your inner wisdom about what will calm down your nervous system and regain equilibrium in this world of chaos and confusion.

Here are a few to get you started:

• Breath: Take three slow, deep breaths before your next meeting, class, or conversation.
• Music: Play a song that lifts your spirits, and let yourself sing along.
• Laughter: Call the friend who always makes you giggle, or watch something delightfully silly.
• Fresh air: Take an unhurried walk, bathe in the forest air, or simply sit in the park.
• Warm water: Enjoy a slow bath with no clock-watching allowed.

As of today, I intentionally schedule time to walk, savor the forest air, garden, read historical fiction, take baths, exercise, play games with friends, and stop to smell the roses, both literally and figuratively. One of my favorite soothers these days is a scoop of chocolate ice cream for dessert each evening with a dollop of whipped cream. This type of intentional replenishment not only brings joy to my heart, but it has also become an essential life skill, keeping my spirit buoyant in this age of change and extreme innovation.

Self-Soothing and Kindhearted Power

At Illuminating Humankindness, we believe self-soothing is where Kindhearted Power begins. It is hard to show up with trustworthiness, respect, and care for others when our own nervous system is stuck in fight-or-flight. When we tend to ourselves first, we have so much more to give to our families, our classrooms, our teams, and our communities.

Whether you call it attunement, self-soothing, or cognitive replenishment, make the intentional choice to learn and practice these skills. Add them to your calendar. This action is a solid first step in creating a quality of life that can deeply satisfy and sustain you, especially in times of uncertainty and stress.

 Your Free Self-Soothing Starter Toolkit

Ready to begin? Download our free Self-Soothing Starter Toolkit, a simple guide to help you discover what calms and replenishes you. Build your personal self-soothing list and put it on your calendar!

Want to learn more?  Read Kindling the Flame.

Explore learn more in Kindling the Flame, where you will learn to intentionally nourish your mind, ignite your positive imagination, and set healthy boundaries. It is a simple set of tools that mentally recharge your life. Learn to intentionally kindle your flame, contributing to a healthier, more focused mind.

You can purchase a limited edition signed copy of Kindling the Flame on our website.

Kindle or paperback editions of Kindling the Flame are available on Amazon.com

Then share one of your favorite soothers with a friend. Your idea might be exactly what someone else needs to hear today.

Sparkle ON!

Michelle Sherman

Executive Director · Cultivator of Luminaries

Illuminating Humankindness · kindheartedpower.org